Straight Bumbed
Mood:  crushed out
I know I haven't posted anything in a while but I'm feelin it at the moment. Need some place to vent...not a mad venting but more like a bumbed venting. How is it that you can start something...stumble onto something else in the process....in an ironic sort of way....become intrigued with what you see...dig a little deeper just to find out that what you stumbled upon was somethin you almost wish you never seen....not even by coincidence. This probebly sounds all too general but for someone reading this it might makes sense to something significant. I know things happen for a reason..at least thats what I believe....and theres a reason behind everything...good or bad....its there. But why things happen the way they do is beyond me. I have been single for a long time...going on a year...I have met a few people here and there but nothing that ever really amounted to anything. Just when I think I might have made a serious connection....I find myself completely bumbed. So what can you do...lol...laugh it off...."they" say laughter is a cure for everything but I guess when your laughing by yourself its not soo funny. The sad thing is I had nothing but straight confidence in what I thought I was pursuing...but now its nothing but straight bumbed. Maybe its just too out there to think that someone could be interested in only you and happy with that without looking any further but to my surprise thats just not the case....I guess I shouldnt be soo surprised...what else could I expect...I'm not new to this horrid game of dating....I guess I was just hoping that for once I actaully fell for more than that...hahaha how silly does that sound...I guess I should know better by now right? ....I was talking to a close guyfriend of mine today who I've known for years and always looked out for me....and amidst this conversation I made a discovery....just when you think you miss someone more than anything.....they are spending there time missing someone else...when your thinking about someone...they are thinking about someone else...when you want to feel...kiss..hug...they are wanting the exact same thing from someone else...maybe thats not completely true for all situations but so far that has become my reality and oddly enough not only does that senario fit my agenda but myfriends experiences as well so the ladies arent getting out of this one either....its just too bad it happens to the few of us good ones left and maybe thats why I have been single for so long....anyone whos worth it is just that....few and far between. So I think I quit.....going on a year and nothing genuine to show for it....I'm going on comeplete and total fait from now on. Maybe I'm just stupid for that cause I know theres more to it than fait and even my friends think thats way out of my character but what do I have to lose....not much at this point. I think I have alot of good things going for myself and I certainly wont be just your every day chick before this is all over with...just be nice to share that....lol...dont I sound like a huge dork...so maybe this is where I'll stop....maybe...if anyone reads this....I'll get some helpful tips...lol....I'll keep an open mind and soulful personality...

New Baby
Mood:  happy
Before I forget...My best friend of what seems like forever..but techinically only since middle school..is pregnant with her first child...a girl...So being that this is something I want to mark in my history...I spoke to her this morning and she thinks she's having contraction. How exciting is that. The only problem with this is shes in Virginia and I'm in Florida. I would so give up all the thanksgiving drama to be there. But she said she would keep me posted and get someone to call at the first sign of delivery...but in the mean time was going to walk around the mall to try to get things moving along...lol...so I guess in this situation time is of the essence.....Muah

Ughly.....Not Hardly
Mood:  sharp
I don't understand.....How is it that just from chat someone can expect soo much. Okay a little background...a chat friend basically bit my head of for not showing any concern about a loved one having a newly found cancer. The only problem with this situation...I had no idea. So I spend thirty minutes of my morning argueing about the fact that I had no idea. You would think that common sense would have told this person...being that I have a passion for peoples well being and anyone who knows me...knows that about me...that I was never informed of the saddening news to even think about sending my best wishes. Instead...I was some how automatically expected to know and randomly send my best anyways..which obviously I didn't. So I was told that I'm "ughly inside" and something about "not being a good friend"....I replied with..."your way too dramatic" and "you require way too much attention".....the funny thing was he agreed but still blatenly expected me to have some kind of psychic ability. You know..I'm all about good karma and leaving bridges unburned...but when you run across someone who completely forgets about the fact that you have a world that revolves...and its not around them...theres not really much you can do...but laugh at there comments and judgements about you..which they have no basis for and quite frankly if they knew you as well as they obviously think they do...they would have never said those things to begin with. The moral to the story: Why waste the time to try to hurt someones feelings with false statments just because your not getting what you want..the few moments it took to think at that level should be reason enough for you to revaluate your own perspective instead of judging someone elses.

Ooops
Mood:  silly
Have you ever woke up in the morning...looked over at your clock...and realized your an hour late. You get up frantic...trying to find something appropriate to wear, fix your hair the best you can....and somewhere in this hectic process..it hits you..its not actualy Monday...hahaha its just Sunday. Well I have experience in this..so I checked a calender to make sure...but I am guilty of this exact thing this morning and thought it was funny enough to share....Muah

You.......
Mood:  blue
I have decided to devote this inspiration to you...seeing how the majority of what I have put in here is because of you and everything you have done..said...ect. So my thoughts at this very moment? I always get off the phone with you feeling as if I should have said more yet too afraid to hear what I might get in return...though I'm not really sure why that is.Its almost like a gray area I'm hesitant to cross. I have, however, figured out why telling you things makes me feel vulnerable...because you have become special to me in every way possible...me explaining exactly how I feel but not knowing where you stand is a little riske and hence I feel vulnerable. So you say ask me anything you want...well if I knew exactly what to ask I would but I don't. Technically I am one of those see it to believe it kind of people... but that isn't possible in this case and having to waite until my semster is over to see anything further than what I already have is soo ungodly tough. I just want the reassurance that you want the same thing I do...otherwise I'm not really sure I want to just throw myself out in the wind like that. I would have no problems telling you this when I talk to you except...lol..you make me lose all my train of thought...sounds funny I'm sure...but at that moment all I can think about is how nice it was..how comfortable I was and how much I miss it now that its gone. Just a hug...a kiss...anything would be so greatly appreaciated..you have no idea. The whole you impress me deal...yeah I could have said alot more...but I wont...some how I am going to have to learn how to confront you with my concerns and ideas...probebly harder than I can imagine at this point. But I do miss you...not just you but your personality...the way you made everything seem okay and comfortable. You know I worry about losing control of the situation..any not just us...and telling you all these feelings makes me feel like I'm not in control...you are...you have all this in your hand to do with what you want...I was kind of disappointed to hear that you might use my truth against me...I read you better than you know and some how I knew that would come out...it doesn't really matter...I'm the last person on earth who would ever hurt you and cause you to use any of my words against me but just worries me that your only waiting for something bad to happen...well I'm being optimistic in saying that I hope thats not how it is. I know you dont know me very well but I would like for you to and I am going to try my best to be as open as I can...I'm always honest so thats not an issue..You are an awsome person inside and out...and anyone who gets to experience that is lucky...not many people like you left..I just hope I'm not wasting my time...cause I would like for something more to come from this eventually......Muah

What Could Be
Mood:  not sure
Strange how one minute you really don't have anything inquisitive to type and the next...you have soo many thoughts consuming you...rolling around all jumbled up and you feel like your going to lose your ability to think properly unless you get them all sorted out on paper....or in this case..typed in this window. So I wouldn't really consider this a problem..its more of something I walked clearly into. I should have known...but in a way it allows the truth to be out and in the open and when I am done..the feeling of relief is so amazing that,even though every word I type is being read by the one previously spoken of... doesn't seem so terrible after all....guess its one of those one out weighs the other situations. So... will I change the way I type or, rather, what I type...of course not. This is my out...my truth...my emtions...my feelings....no one would ever take this grand opportunity away from me..and hey....maybe someone out there will feel inclined to read one of these and some how take something wonderful from it.So onto my thoughts....I wrote my first post for a reason...to get out feelings that I didn't exactly feel comfortable expressing in realms of reality...that reality being...those feelings towards someone who lives soo far away that the idea of actually telling them..out loud.. was unfortunately too dangerous for me and...in my mind..grounds I would have rather left untouched..not because I don't want my feelings and thoughts to be known but because life is what it is and I can't change that...though I would like to..geographically speaking...I can't...and being that I am already impressed...which I have to save the details of for the real conversation...I dont want to start making expectations and forming ideas of could be and possibly may develope because what if nothing does...what happens when I open up...what happens when my true heart is spoken of...what happens when I speak with the voice I have, the words I feel, with the heart I was born with? I dont know....I know what I have been through previously, but that doesn't count for now..this present moment...there is no comparison...the past is only something that created stepping stones for who I am now...but it doesn't make decisions for me..I choose the path at which I want to take...I know if this was some fairy tale story, how I would like for it to go...the setting...the scheme...when where and how...but this isn't a fairy tale and life isn't that easy. So...here I am with the just a small taste of what I could have possibley been searching for to begin with...and I choked. How does that happen...people spend there entire lives searching and sometimes don't ever find what they are looking for..and yet...the combination of my own personal instinct and the feeling of a being at which I cant have is almost painful..when romance...true passion and the urge to want more is outweighed by my own fears...why is being vulnerable on such a high pedestal that I can't overcome it...I don't want to lose out on something extraordinary because of my own silly fear. And besides..what is there to be afraid of extactly...well I wish it was that easy....when you think you might have found something you lost site of who sees you in ways no other has....but reality and all it entails stops you from being able to pursue it any further and experience those moments you began to miss before they were even moments.....you have alot to be fearful of. But somehow you find serenity in all this and your day moves along just as it has before...only now you think about when you will talk to them again...touch them..or turn around without the slightest hesitation and know they are right behind you. My conclusion to all of this...if I allow myself to be afraid of the unknown...then I will never know what would have or could have happened...and that I would regret. So in the end...I will ride with it..see where it goes...and maybe it would turn into something so amazing that even the best writer couldn't create in words. Either way....it can only go one of two ways...and the risk of becoming vulnerable is nothing compared to the risk of losing what could be.....Muah

General Thoughts...
Mood:  not sure
Though, at the moment, I am not feeling completely in the mood to make another entry....I am some how drawn to the idea of typing something...pointless? maybe...but I find that as long as I am thinking and typing at the same time...nothing turns into something meaningful and worth reading. I am not a dramatic person so arguments on politics and such is't my area of expertise...though when I am confronted with such an issue...I always come back with the same comment...why waste the time to argue about something when "they" pay people to argue for you...makes sense right? I don't have any problems at the moment to vent about...Nothing really astonishingly exciting happened today..though I think I did come to the conclusion that my car does in deed have a rod knocking...which is never a good thing and only leads to more problems than I have the patients for. I did however talk to an old best friend of seven years, yesterday and today. The reason why it ended..nothing short of how life works...she moved away to Washington...got married...and in August they had there first child...a boy...Dillan Wayne. But the phone calls turned from conversations of basic "hellos" and "how are you doings" to "nothing is working out" and finally " he left us". Though..maybe it sounds selfish of me to say..but I am excited that she is moving back here...and the idea of being called Aunt Melissa...lol...well thats pleasing to me all on its own. The only part of the entire situation that utterly disgusts me is how can a grown man...who took vows of love and took on the full responsibility of starting a family...just up and leave. I have never been able to understand this phenomenon..maybe coming from a background where my parents have been married for 26 years doesn't aid this...but even then I feel when you reach adult hood...however long that may take...you come to a point when you make your on decisions and you have the choice to decide what your morals...values...beliefs are aside from what kind of environment you were raised in. I dont know His history...but I do know its wrong...I love her as famliy and still pondering ideas of how to make her life easier...I mean really...a new born to take care..first child at that..moving away from everything you've known for about 4 years back to the place you really didn't want to be to begin with. I don't really know how well it would work out...but she knows I'm here for her..and anything I could possible do to make her life a little easier...You know..you only get one life...one family...one chance at everyday that passes...and each minute that goes by is a minute gone forever...Wouldnt you like to look back on yesterday and feel pleased that all the moments you created and shared with friends and famliy were all memories worth saving....I know I would...Muah

Mood:  surprised
I had blog on another site and well when you feel inspired to make an entry but can't because of techinical issuse...it can become quite irritating. So here I am...feeling inspired...
Amongst all the things going on in my life....nursing, modeling..which inevitably the combination of the two pretty much consumes all the extra time I have..I sometimes find a few spare moments to ponder ideas of romance.. which has become..simply put..non existsant and yet terribly hard to approach any who may seem fit for the posistion. So..still having my hopes and being the optimistic person I am...along with understanding that I can't be the only one left and there has to be some truth to all the internet dating sites out there...I gave in to the curosity and posted my profile on a couple different sites...you know..just to see what would happen.... After giving into something of this nature and trying to "date around" as they say, you start to lose site of what you were actually looking for to begin with because all this time you thought some how this profile that rates you decent and gets you a few compliments here and there...was the answer as well as the fastest fix for singleness you ever found. Then reality sets in...you've had the profile up for months and nothing astonishingly great has come out of it. Being bombarded with messages of sex implications and simple, nonmeaningful conversation no longer holds its excitments and at the end of the day...your still left empty handed and the site of romance seems nothing more than some silly dream you had the night before. So after being disapointed but somehow seemingly intrigued by the idea of leaving these profiles up anyways...except this time not having any expectations of what could come...low and hold...I am surprised at what manages to fall in my lap. Simply enough..starts out as any regular conversation..you know the basics...but over the course of a few weeks turns into real conversations and indulges of laughter at the slightest suggestion of something funny. The outcome...I am completely impressed by this individual. Though the physical ideas of society aren't exactly what catches my eye...the image of jeans and a tight fitting shirt on this one in a milloin has changed my idea of whats considered appealing. Aside from looks and the most insightful eyes you ever got lost in...the personality and characteristics of set a standard all on there own. Coming from what seems to be the same background as I...we share alot in common from just that alone when in regards to thought processes and visions in life. Out of the relms of techinicalities...the comfort I gained from just being in the same place was overwhelming yet so incedible that the inevitable thought of leaving this was almost unbareable to ponder. But all good things must come to an end..at least this time....you can fight it and you can procrastinate it for what seems an erternity and yet reality is only a few moments away. You watch, who seems to be the only one left who cuases you to smile unconsiously and carries perfection in ways you never thought possible..walk away...back into a reality you never experienced... only to find yourself missing those unforgetable moments you previously thought were impossible. So here I am...back into my reality...reading e-mails, thinking about school..finals...blah blah blah.But walking away from eyes that gaze into beauty not seen in the same way by anyone else...well at least in my mind it seems to be this way....gave me back hope I lost site of and maybe it is possible for someone to see me as a deeper individual than just good looks and a pretty face. Either way a permanent impression has been made and I am not the least bit disapointed in anything that I said or did nor do I regret anything....Life can throw the most random unexpected turns..and for the most part..if your not open to what may be instore...you could miss out on some of the best things life has to offer...Muah